Well, that title got some of your attention. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. But, seriously, my grandmother and mother-in-law should stop reading now. :-)

Eric and I have a sacred morning ritual. Alternating by day, one of us gets up to let the dogs out  — Cowboy, the mutant yellow Lab the size of a pony, Layla, the Boxer, and Petey, the one-eyed Boston Terrier. The dogs sleep in the living room, with Petey in his crate and the big dogs loose and on pillows so that they can perform their guard dog function if necessary (and so that Cowboy doesn’t take out Petey’s other eye). The dogs are soooo excited to see us and to go outside. When they come back in, 10-month old Petey sprints to our room and flies through the air to land on whichever one of us remained in bed.

Whoosh! Out goes all the air in the lungs under the weight of his punching paws.

The dog reliever returns to the room and crawls back in. Depending on our schedules, we have from five up to maybe forty-five minutes to snuggle, catnap, and chat. This is THE BEST part of Petey’s day. He burrows between us, snorting like the piggy he thinks he is. He trades off daily against whose waist he leans his head, muzzle in the air, neck contorted like a giraffe. Sometimes he doesn’t smell so great, but on this day he had a bath the night before, and he is warm and soft with a slightly antiseptic aroma. Not too bad.

Also on this day, we get to sleep in. Petey rolls to the side, the baby spoon between our tablespoon and teaspoon-sized bodies. He wriggles around until everything in his world is just right. We all fall asleep, two spoons snoring in perfect tandem, one spoon wearing earplugs.

The alarm wakes us at 6:45. The baby spoon is behind me, pressing his feet in a stretch up against my backsides. Now, this occasionally happens in the mornings, but it is usually something else, and it’s related to the tablespoon.  Basically, the tablespoon decides it’s a fork. Or wants to be a fork. Or wants to fork, if you know what I mean, and ladies I think you do.

On those days, Eric and I have a little schtick a la the movie No Way Out, from way back in 1987. In one of the opening scenes, Sean Young’s character says to Kevin Costner’s character, “Is that a gorilla in your pocket, soldier, or are you just glad to see me?” Yes, a play on the Mae West pistol line.

So, anyway, it usually goes like this:

Me: Is that a gorilla in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Eric: I’m just glad to see you.

Today, though, today the fork is the feet attached to the baby spoon. And the schtick changes.

Me: Is that a gorilla in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Eric: It’s a Peter in my pocket. And I hope it’s not glad to see you.

But wait, it gets worse. Because Peter shares a name with someone, someone very special at our house. Petey-poo’s namesake? My father.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.


Please, do not make me explain the double entendre, Mom.

And on that note, happy hump day, y’all.




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36 Responses to Alert: Do not read this post if you need a PG-13 rating

  1. I am shaking my head laughing. Not sure I really wanted to read this about my friends. You’re so crazy!

  2. Eric says:

    There are few things in Pamela’s life that are not fair game for blogging.

    I have to say though that both at the time it happened and reading it now, it’s pretty funny.

  3. Eric Hutchins via Facebook says:

    A hairy Peter at that!

  4. :) It’s just a post about silverware.

  5. OH GOD Eric, that’s bad. But yes, it/he is.

  6. Ally says:

    One of the greatest things about these funny posts, is that often your comments back and forth just continue the funny! *chuckling to myself*

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks, Ally :) They’re continuing at home, too. There’s a whole lot of referring to each other by spoon names, Petey is definitely “Baby Spoon” now. And some fork references, of course.

      Have a good one!

  7. Vidya Sury says:

    😀 I tend to visualize what I read….and I can assure you I am going to be giggling all day!

  8. Ha!! Now THAT’s funny! Have a great day!

  9. Tracy Wilson says:

    I’m dying here laughing…and wondering if it’s true what they say about everyone having a twin- at least in lifestyles:)
    The SAME ritual occurs in our home- exactly…except the “jumper” is Owen, my bull terrier. Then we have Annie- the sneaky one. She’s usually in the bed and you dont realize it. She is traumatized by “forking”, lol.

    Thanks so much, Pamela, for sharing an intimate- but hysterical- moment.
    Eric must be a lot like my husband…a VERY good sport.
    Have a great week/weekend!

    • Pamela says:

      Yes, he is a great sport. As soon as we finished laughing after he said the “It’s a Peter in my pocket” line, he said, “Oh shit, you’re going to write about this, aren’t you?”

      Our sneaky one is Layla. Sometimes we’ll get out of bed and step on her and never have heard her come in, never know she was there.

      We certainly do have the same lifestyles, and I’m really enjoying your blog!

  10. Peter says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! That was TMI.
    I’m supposed to remember you as “my little girl”!

  11. My eyes!! My eyes!! I’m too young to read about things like spoons and forks. This is going to be in my mind all day long. I won’t be able to get away from it. I will hear those lines in Mae West’s voice. I will have lost a little of my innocence. I will be doing little private snickers, grins and head-shakes and people will think I’m spazing out. Thank you for making my day and letting me know Alpha Hubby and I are not alone. I was wondering. Really.

  12. Jennifer says:

    Ha ha ha!!! Just don’t make me eat dinner at your house. I will never look at utensils in the same way.

  13. Theresa Sonoda via Facebook says:

    Spooning and Forking. Rock on!

  14. Terri Sonoda says:

    Wow, my eyes are bleeding and my giggle-box got turned over. This is exactly what I needed this morning. I have a big spoon and fork on my wall. I may never look at them the same way again. I may have to name them Pamela and Eric.
    But then, where would Petey fit in?
    I could go on and on, but I will let the next commenter have some fun.
    LOVED this!
    You crazy kids….

  15. this post is very funny. it popped into my head last night, and again this morning….. 😉

  16. Eric says:

    Sorry Gigi and Poppy :(

  17. Eric Hutchins via Facebook says:

    TMI Gene, TMI, only Pamela gets away with that stuff :).

  18. Julie says:

    LoL I can picture myself how it could happen :) You’ve really made my day with that cute story, thanks for sharing it!

  19. Emma Green says:

    Haha, this cracks me up. I love your writing style! And Petey reminds me a LOT of our parson russell terrier, who loves to do the exact same thing 😀

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