For those of you I am about to offend, I apologize in advance. But the following is a somewhat accurate transcription of actual events at our house. Sort of. So, don’t be a hater; I love God, I love Jesus, and I dang sure love me some Tim Tebow.

***

Dear Tim Tebow:

I’ll bet there’s a lot of pressure on you already, what with you being the Broncos’ quarterback, building third-world hospitals and all, and inventing Tebowing.  I really hate to add to the stress, I do, but Tim Tebow, only you can save my daughter.

We’ve done (almost) everything right with 15-year old Susanne, but you know how precarious morals and behavior are in a girl this age. For awhile, we had her wearing a WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)  bracelet as a reminder of how to act. Then she discovered live boys, and a dead Jesus, even a risen one, just didn’t completely cut it anymore.

We’ve seen signs she may be headed down the wrong path. When she was in 8th grade, she had 23 unexcused absences to homeroom, and it’s possible she was selling drugs or committing sins of the flesh when unaccounted for. Another time she didn’t return her leftover lunch money at the end of the week, and I am pretty sure that breaks one of the Ten Commandmants, but I’d have to look it up. Also troubling are her attempts to emulate Angelina Jolie.

I think that’s the worshipping false idols, right? Anyway, I saved the worst for last. At Halloween, she made this cake:

Clearly, this cake is decorated with twelve penises. I don’t know where that one falls vis a vis the Commandmants, but I know that it is bad, really, really bad.

Things have improved lately, and this is where you come in. Last month, Susanne announced that she was marrying you, Tim Tebow. My husband and I discussed the possibility, and we want you to know that, while she is still a little young, you have our blessing. However, in the meantime, we assume you would like her to graduate from high school with virtue intact and no criminal record.

To that end, we have a new and effective strategy to control Susanne’s more wayward behavior.  Let me give you an example.  Last night, I asked her to set the table and was aghast at her response:

Me: Sweetness, would you please set the table for our sit-down family dinner, and be thinking about what you are thankful for. It’s your turn to say grace.

Susanne: Mom, I don’t have to set the table. I’m going to marry Tim Tebow and be really rich and have a maid to set the table. I’m thankful for that.

You see what I mean? So then I prayed about it for a while, and that’s when I received what I took as a message directly from God: only Tim Tebow can save my daughter.

So, I said: Susanne, I haven’t met your fiance personally yet, but from everything I’ve read, I believe he would want you to honor your mother. I’m concerned about the impact of your behavior on your upcoming nuptials.

Susanne, eyebrows raised: Huh?

Me: Please, Susanne, set the table and make Tim Tebow proud of you.

Susanne, flipping her hair: Make Clark [her brother] do it.

Me: Susanne, Tim Tebow wants you to set the table.

Susanne, with her hand up: Whatever.

Me: What I meant to say, Susanne, is that Tim Tebow told me to tell you to set the @#$%* table. Right now.  And I’m not kidding.

And you know what? She did. I’m really pleased with the positive impact you have on her; I think that’s the kind of relationship any parent would hope for.

Right afterwards, I snapped this photo:

I think it’s a sign.

If you can resurrect the 1-4 Broncos and bring them to the playoffs, I feel certain you are strong enough to save my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

Your Future Mother-in-Law,

Pamelot

p.s. Please, God, forgive me for telling my daughter that Tim Tebow used the word @#$%*.

p.p.s. If things don’t work out between you and Susanne, Tim Tebow, I have two more daughters.

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79 Responses to Dear Tim Tebow: Only You Can Save My Daughter.

  1. Eric Hutchins via Facebook says:

    I have not heard you laugh this loud while writing in a while. It was great. In fact the whole house was laughing last night. Love it.

  2. Eric says:

    The amount of pressure this guy is under, and now this! It just may be more than he can handle.

  3. Ally says:

    It’s a little early to be laughing this hard… really. I had to explain. But it wasn’t funny when I tried to tell it, so I had to read it again, out loud. Which got more laughs.

    I don’t know if I could have survived teenage girls. Especially if they were anything like me! :)

    • Pamela says:

      I know. Mine is just like me. The expanded story: she announced she was marrying Tim Tebow when we were shopping for tile for our bathroom remodel. She didn’t like mine. I said when she grew up and got a job she could buy whatever she wanted. She told me huh uh she was going to marry Tim Tebow and THEN she could buy whatever she wanted. (Sigh) And there it started. And the joke has gotten bigger and bigger and bigger at our house. And she has a huge crush like every girl in the world. Yesterday I endured every link of the day on the internet re Mr. Tebow.

      She is actually a great kid, just a little teenagery. I hope she DOES find someone who is as good a person as he is. I would be thrilled. I would prefer no NFL football players, tho. :-)

  4. Great — we are ALL going to hell. Actually, it was fun; the kids really loved this one.

  5. Eric says:

    Ally I think it funny that you wrote what you did because I feel the same way, this was the funniest to me when Pamela was reading it out loud before publishing, its a lot in the timing and emphasis on stuff, it really had me laughing out loud. She toned it down in a few places so as not to really offend but, use your imagination.

  6. Andrea says:

    What a great read! Nearly spewed my coffee all over my laptop. Lots of funny people in hell I bet. Good company.

  7. WPG Chick says:

    Laughter is a great diffuser. She should be happy, Tebow is a total freaking babe. My best to the happy couple.

  8. Baker Alkon says:

    I love it!

  9. Sue says:

    I love this!! Totally hysterical!

  10. Heidi says:

    Those look more like turds than penises, lol.

    • Pamela says:

      I know! We had a debate in the family, and we got votes of turds, penises, stumps, and tombstones. In actuality, she swears it is a “haunted forest”. We kept the cake for weeks b/c it made us laugh so hard.

  11. Terri Sonoda says:

    Although I am a huge Broncos fan (25+ years now), I have to bite my tongue and clinch my fists just thinking about Tebow. I am not a fan of this man. However, I got such a kick out of this post, Pamela. So funny and clever! I’ll be rooting for all the Broncos this weekend; however every time Tebow does his little Tebow-thingy, I will throw up a little in my mouth. Very happy I don’t have daughters. If I had to be his mother-in-law, I’d teach him a new Tebow-thingy or two.
    Sorry if I sound bitter. I should probably pray about that.
    Go Broncos!!

    • Pamela says:

      LOL Terri I love that. I actually like him a lot, but not because of the Tebowing. To each his own, and all. I actually hate most of the celebrationy dances and stuff, b/c some of them are so full of themselves. I see his choice to Tebow as like the choice of any of those guys to use their 15 seconds. As far as having daughters, though, I’d take a Tim Tebow over a Pacman Jones or a Ben Roethlesberger. Actually, I’d much rather have a regular Joe.

      • Terri Sonoda says:

        You drive home some excellent points, my friend. You lawyers are good at that. LOL But I do concur. He deserves his 15 seconds just as much as those other players. One thing I do respect about Tebow (other than his obvious football finesse) is that he sticks to his convictions. He’s obviously not a “sometimes” Christian. That’s refreshing!

        • Pamela says:

          I don’t like anyone who is a sometimes anything, ya know? Be authentic. If you’re a thug, well, then you just are. If, like me, you’re MPD, it gives you a lot more flexibility in this area. :)

  12. Dan (There Can Only Be One) Johnson says:

    Very Funny Pamela….please please make sure I get a wedding invitation. By the way, it’s been disected to death but Tebowing is actually done with the fist turned sideways, Susanne’s pose looks more like “The Thinker”…just a helpful pointer for the future Mrs. Tebow! You all rock! Cheers, Danny

    • Pamela says:

      Holy moley! Susanne is gonna have to up her game if she wants a shot at Tim. I’m texting her right now. (This will seriously cause a reposting of a new picture tomorrow, I can promise you)

  13. Eric says:

    I am thinking of changing my name to Joe!

  14. dude, this is HILARIOUS!!!

  15. You’ve cracked me up once again, Pamela. I might be on of the only men on earth to not really know who Tim Tebow is….yeah, I just said that in public. I’ve heard the name a few times recently but that’s about it….but if he can save your daughter, then more power to him. Hahahahaha. Another nice one, Mrs. Hutchins.

    Darryl

    • Pamela says:

      Hey, if I could get you to laugh and you don’t even know who tim tebow is, then I’ve done something! He’s the publicly religious quarterback of the denver broncos football team, who are in the playoffs. He has a practice of kneeling in prayer that is emulated Amd called “tebowing,” hence the last picture in the post. :)

  16. You’re hilarious! I love the motivation Tebow is providing for your daughter. I think every Mom and their daughter in the US wants him. Good thing you are guiding her in preparation for her nuptials. Even this comment is cracking me up.

    • Pamela says:

      I know! I’ve suggested she needs to take an interest in volunteer work because her resume is probably q bit thin, haha. She will be whipped into shape by the time the nice boy in real life comes along. She really loved this post tho and she usually is reluctant to be written about.

  17. Jennifer says:

    I happened upon your post and was laughing out loud!! I think that I read it 5x. Plus, I had to share it to my Facebook page! Loved it. I have a 9yr old daughter and I am already very afraid. Thank you for the huge grin that I had today!!

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks and welcome to the funny farm! Yes these girls are a handful and grow up so fast. My daughters not only put up with me spinning exaggerated yarns about them but they’re sweethearts. If they have to have a celebrity crush, I am glad they picked him. And if he ever did date one of them I think there’d be some serious sibling rivalry! Lol!

  18. Ann says:

    Pamela, sorry I know you really need Tim Tebow but I have already spoken to him about my own daughter. Plus he has a deeper need to fill here. Not only is he practically perfect in the morals and football department but he would bring in the humongous genes that my family so desperately needs. He meets the requitements that I have recently put on my children that they will only marry humongous people. This short thing is just getting old.

    • Pamela says:

      LOL, I’d never thought about the humongous genes. That’s another plus. I guess we’ll have to fight you for him, Ann. Except I’ll admit, one of our daughters is 5’11”, so with at least one, we have height covered. The other two are 5’7 and 5’4.

  19. I’m In Love W/ Tebow!
    It’s about time there’s some dude to look up to. It’s about time somebody has morals, values, & decency for our kids to look up to….
    He’s makin’ Christianity & Jesus look Cool :)
    That is such a turn on…

    “””God, I love Jesus, and I dang sure love me some Tim Tebow.”””” YES! Yes!

    Gosh, I hope your daughter ca get a date w/ him!! He is so HOT.

    Great Job. Xxxx

    • Pamela says:

      2 of my daughters have already proclaimed their love, and I think the third is just being coy. :)

      I love him. I know some people don’t, but I am a fan of anyone who walks their talk, and has morals/belief/faith.

      And he WOULD make the best son in law ever!

  20. back when i was going through my Catholic indoctrination, we called it genuflecting. Probably not a lot of people can be bothered to spell that, so Tebowing it is.
    Good thing his last name isn’t Gronkowski……

    • Pamela says:

      OMG, Gronkowski’ing — yeah, whoa.

      Have you been out to the site? There’s some really funny and cute Tebowing/genuflecting/Gronkowskiing photos.

  21. Peter says:

    Funny. Wonder if you should send this to Tim?

    • Pamela says:

      I went ahead and sent it to him via twitter this morning. I’m sure he is inundated with stuff and will never see it, but what the heck. It is funny, and we really are invoking his name. I had a funny conversation with Susanne about the type of girl he probably wants. I do think it makes an impact. These girls are so accustomed to the media heroes being total amoral sluts, ya know? Thanks, Tim Tebow!

  22. Dana Epley via Facebook says:

    you are crazy! Love it.

  23. Nikita Cole via Facebook says:

    Ahahaha! The best!!

  24. Barbara Hazelip Lambert via Facebook says:

    How could he possibly refuse your offer?

  25. Dana Epley, crazy yes, but I swear my daughter thinks he’ll call. Ah, Cinderella.

  26. Nikita Cole, you know it! Now we sit back and wait for him to call (hahahahaha)

  27. Barbara Hazelip Lambert, I think I already hear the phone ringing!

  28. Anna says:

    I can only imagine your concerns. My kids are still little but once upon a time I had similar problem with my little sis… And I know how hard, devastating and energy-consuming are emotions like these ones. I am glad that step by step everything is better now:)

  29. Sandy Webb says:

    Oh my did this crack me up! Although, I am not sure about Tim Tebow attending holidays where your mother is openly offering your daughters rubbers in the kitchen….

  30. Kayla says:

    Beyond hysterical Pam!! Not often do I LOL at 5:30 in the morning, so kudos to you! Loved it! :)

  31. alex says:

    Love this post, Pam!

  32. Megan R. Adams says:

    Hi Pam,

    Well your daughter’s cake not only looks ugly but I doubt it taste that good also lol!

  33. Christie Beyer says:

    Loved this! Haven’t had time to read all your blogs, so I’m trying to catch up now. Went from bawling, reading about Cowboy (we had an Aussie named Cowboy) (and Sydney), to laughing hysterically thinking about Tim Tebow in your house. Thank you for making my insomnia easier to endure!! Keep up the good work!

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks! You are picking the extremes — but some of my recent favorites. I love it when total strangers tell their stories and make me cry (Laura/Sydney). It’s really what makes sharing writing in this way so rewarding. I have a framed letter in my office from an ADHD Mom that wrote to me recently. It’s the personal interaction with readers that I love. That, and the thought of Tim Tebow marrying one of my daughters. :)

  34. One Busy Mom says:

    Oh my goodness Pamelot…..you are hilarious. Permission to share please.

  35. If my second son were a girl, he would so be your daughter! So LOL!!!!!! Except he doesn’t look like A. Jolie! And, he doesn’t want to marry Tebow! But he’d take Miranda Lambert, except she got married. I guess things aren’t really looking good for him right now! LOL (but he is 6 ft. 5 and a girl at church told her mom, “He just takes my breath away” – which is really something you don’t want to happen at church).

    Parenting teens requires SUPER HUMOR and I LOVE your SUPER HUMOR!

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks :)
      You really do need super human to raise kids.
      I am so sorry Blake stole Miranda from your son. Tell him he’ll just have to find the up and coming Miranda, hopefully AT church haha.

  36. […] Waffling. By Pamela, on February 22nd, 2012 My nearly-fifteen year old daughter Susanne has never had a boyfriend. Well, she hasn’t if you don’t count her year-long engagement in kindergarten to Nathan Crouthamel. Or her rebound relationship in first grade with Saxon Gallegos. Since then, though, she has had no boyfriends.  She’s plenty boy-crazy and at 5’7″ with blue eyes and long blond hair she is totally gorgeous (and wears a bigger bra size than me, WTF), but she’s saving her heart for Tim Tebow. […]

  37. […] had her as an exotic dancer? She’ll be at her therapist and go, ‘I was all set to be a veterinarian for starving animals in third world countries and marry Tim Tebow, when my parents quit coming to my choir concerts. It’s then that I turned to drugs and […]

  38. Stasha says:

    This is the best daughter pimp out ever. The end. OK I love your leopard print bottoms. The end.

  39. […] Liz piped in. “I wonder how this is going to go over with Tim Tebow?” […]

  40. I. Love. This.

    I’d be down with him marrying one of my daughters too, but that’s extra ick b/c mine are both under 10.

    That penis cake is still my fave.

    • Pamela says:

      I figure that as domestic as you are :-) you can take that penis cake idea and turn it into something magical. And hopefully unrelated to Tim Tebow!

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