It’s amazing the stupid things a smart woman sometimes does.

Like me, for example.  I took a two-month exercise hiatus last fall while I pounded out rewrites on two books and wrote the first draft of a third.

My main source of exercise, normally, is bicycling.  I have found my (excuse me for bluntness, here) crotch is my bicycling Achilles heel.  About the only time it doesn’t hurt is when I’ve put enough miles on it to achieve the consistency of old shoe leather.  Any break in the training routine and rawhide turns to flannel.  Not good.  Two months off is definitely a significant break.

So my husband Eric and I hopped on the bikes the week after I completed Nanowrimo.  The ride went fine for awhile, but, as expected, my nether region failed first.  The next day I had abraded areas — not scabs, per se, and certainly not open wounds, but scabbish and openish.  Technically, the areas of interest were east and west of the crotch.  Underneath, I was bruised.  So, I thought  a little topical relief was in order.  I recalled the awesome soothing capabilities of Aspercreme.

“Eric, do we have Aspercreme for my hoochie coochie?” I asked.

“You’re not supposed to use it anywhere near your hoochie coochie.”  His tone of voice implied I was a lovable yet simple creature with an IQ of 37.  People tell us we’re one of those couples who make you want to puke, so I assumed positively that he wasn’t patronizing me.

I responded rationally.  “Well, I’m not putting it ON my hoochie, more like an inch or two away.  And I would never use Icy Hot or Ben Gay, just Aspercreme.”

“Pamela, this is a bad idea.”  He flipped the channels, looking for the Arizona Cardinals.

Obviously, it was not his crotch in extreme distress.

I went in search of Aspercreme.  I couldn’t find any.  But I did find Nuprin, which I was pretty sure was the same thing, although I’ll admit I didn’t read the directions all that well, because it was dark.  We ride the bikes on our indoor training stands with the lights off in the living room while we watch football or old “24” episodes, and Eric was already riding.  So, ever so carefully, I applied the Nuprin only in the exact non-hoochie areas that hurt.

“Eric, it feels fine.”  I hopped on the bike and started pedaling.

My little bruisy areas began to feel hot.  The warming sensation was quite pleasant and the pain eased.

“I’m rockin’, honey, but this is slightly more like Icy Hot than Aspercreme,” I said.

The warming sensation spread.  It grew hotter.  Suddenly, the careful, limited topical application migrated. Once it started, it went viral.

“OH MY GOD!” I hollered.

What now?”  Eric sighed asked lovingly.

“It’s like somebody stuck a hot poker up my vajayjay!!”

“There are so many things I could say right now, but I’ll restrain myself.”

“The Nuprin is crawling up my personal parts, and it’s not funny.”

“What did the directions say?”

MUCOUS MEMBRANES. If they meant crotch, they should have said so!

“‘Not near mucous membranes.’  But it’s not like I stuck it up my nose.”

“Maybe it ought to say ‘Hey Pamela, that means not within two inches of any orifice, including but not limited to your hoochie.”

“Exactly.  But it didn’t.  Shame on them.”

We rode in semi-silence, the only sound my occasional moans.  But you know what?  That damn stuff worked.  My you-know-what hurt so bad that I didn’t notice my bruisey spots at all anymore.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

Oh, and before anyone panics on my behalf, my vajayjay did not sustain any permanent injuries in this incident.


p.s. I think Eric should DEFINITELY add this to his top 10 bicycling tips post.

p.p.s.  I reposted this today in honor of Team #lovingthebike, of which I am a part, and the #30daysofbiking challenge for April.

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45 Responses to This should lead to a spike in Icy Hot sales.

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PamelaFaganHutchins, PamelaFaganHutchins. PamelaFaganHutchins said: This should lead to a spike in Icy Hot sales. […]

  2. You’re a riot, Pamela. Great post. You’ve got me speechless.


  3. Eric Hutchins says:

    I TOLD you soooo!

  4. Ann Brennan says:

    Let’s just say you are not the only one to have made that mistake. Not the most pleasant feeling ever. Glad you are back on the bike though.

  5. Christina says:





  6. Irene says:

    Oh, hon, you have to take care of the lady parts!!! I guess any dancing in the bedroom is out for a while.

  7. Rebecca Nolen says:

    This is really . . . I mean I’m not laughing at you (yes, I am) but with you, right? Eric sounds like the voice of reason here. It’s not as if I ride a bike like you do but with the recent bladder suspension I think I understand your pain.

  8. I’m just………rolling here….speechless……and rolling. I am sympathetic too, of course. Really.

    Still rolling..


    vajayjay, Icy hot, hot poker. good stuff ROFL

  9. Ally says:

    So hard not to laugh. Cause I’m sure it wasn’t at all funny at the time (and I’m pretty sure I would have laughed then, too). But it’s really that laugh that says “I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me!” LOL

  10. LBDDiaries says:

    Once I get done laughing – with you – darlink – with you – I think I’ll hop on my COMFORTABLE recumbent bike and ride like the wind, thinking of you and your… well, um, no, not THAT. Your pain? Your burning sensation? Your “gee you’re so like me it’s crazy” craziness? And really. When men do the “told you so” then it is just too bad there is no way you can aim your bike and run him over or bump into him… just a little.

    • Pamela says:

      last night, riding side by side on our trainers, bikes balanced precariously in their clamps, i did grab his arm and give him a little shake. he wobbled and eyed the heavy glass table to his left and treated me with just a little less “TOLD YOU SO” after that 😉

  11. Leslie says:

    Now that I’ve stopped giggling (not at you, but with you!) a couple of friendly suggestions: have you tried the Pearl Izumi seamless 4D chamois? or chamois butter?

    • Pamela says:

      I’ve tried the chamois butter, but not the pearl izumis. I’ll check ’em out. Thanks! I’m thinking a sheepskin covered bike seat is next. We do centuries, and you’d think I’d go numb after awhile, but it just never happens. 😉

  12. Molly says:

    Okay…I laughed so much and so hard that Dave was like…”WHAT are you reading!” I hope your hoochie feels better! :)

  13. Pamela says:

    Facebook comments:
    Eric Hutchins likes this.
    Linda Fort Harvell I am so laughing at this….
    13 hours ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading… ·
    Dana Epley A cautionary tale for our times, my friend. 😉
    12 hours ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personYou like this. ·
    Glenda Finnegan Laughed till I cried!
    about an hour ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading… ·

    Brett Johnson That gave me a good laugh!

    Pamela Fagan Hutchins The words that came to my mind were OH and No and them some that were unprintable. :)
    Yesterday at 8:08am · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…
    Eric Hutchins Even during it though at one point we were both laughing so hard we had tears.
    10 hours ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personYou like this. ·

  14. Paula Lancaster says:

    I can always count on you for a good cry – either from sudden death sadness or laughing until I snort tears! Honestly! Do you remember the email about the lady and the hair removal episode? You are too much! You need some little heat misers to sing along under your blog.

  15. rtcrita says:

    Wow…you were obviously desperate for relief to even consider putting that stuff near your “woo hoo!” Glad you weren’t seriously injured from that “treatment.” (Now I don’t have to feel guilty for laughing so much. :) )

    I have an exercise bike that I have to switch off with an eliptical machine when I”m in exercising mode because it becomes very uncomfortable to be on that thing for too many days in a row. “Going numb” is a good description. I swear, I did not know you could make that part of your body go numb (like when your foot goes to sleep from sitting on it wrong)like that just from sitting on a bike to long and pedaling! It’s definitely a strange sensation, and freaked me out the first time it happened! “What?!!! My “woo hoo” is tingling (and not in a good way)and I don’t know how to make it stop!”

  16. Lordy lordy, just as funny the 2nd read. ROFL

  17. Susie says:

    This reminds me of a certain expression you heard for many years, ” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. However, I don’t think it was meant to apply to your hooch,.

  18. Irene says:

    I don’t even like sha…….

    Never mind.

    You’re a brave woman.

    PS. Relocated 5 of those darling little happy humpers today! Just thought you’d like to know.

    • Pamela says:

      Ah, the happy humpers. You are funny.
      We don’t have as many this year. We’ve been adding bleach to treat our pond water so the dogs don’t get tummy aches from drinking it, and it seems to drive them away, although it doesn’t kill them. Eric is elated! We’ve only had a few nights of froggy abandon.

  19. Hahahaha!!! This is kinda why I don’t ride bikes. My husband loves to but I just don’t want to have to create the rawhide. So glad you found relief:) hee hee he.

    • Pamela says:

      It is a serious drawback. And the old shoe leather regains normal ouchiness fast, so if you take any sort of break, you’re back to screamin’ pain. But…I love the freedom and the feeling of flying. So…for now…I can still put up with the other.

  20. Sandy says:

    Pamela!! Seriously, you should have known better. But, thanks for this information…it will keep firmly upon my treadmill and never on a bike!

  21. Grace says:

    How did I miss this last November? Hilarious!

  22. Oh yes, the fun of being female and riding a bike. Have you heard of Hoo Ha Ride Glide? Serious. Just found it at my local bike shop and one of the cute young guys told me two women developed the stuff and I would get a kick out of reading the back of the tube. I did. I laughed so hard I cried – or maybe I cried when I got so embarrassed when I said something to him about my, oh, never mind. I give the guys and gals at my shop credit for being professional because I have talked to them about many saddle issues.

    I’ll be trying some out this weekend and will let you know what I think.
    And here’s a link:

    • Pamela says:

      OMG, I’m going to get some now! Thanks, Myrna.

      • And now for my review of Hoo Ha Ride Glide – used it last weekend on twenty mile early-in-the season rides.
        Applied the stuff and initially worried I would have a reaction because the stuff made me feel all, for lack of a better word, tingly. There’s some lavender and peppermint oil in the Glide, and other things, and I think this is what gave me the tingly feel. Kind of had a moment of panic, imagining myself on a ride with a reaction similar to yours but I got going on the bike and felt just fine. By the time my rides were done I didn’t have any of the tingly feeling at all. I imagine it would actually feel kind of nice on a hot day. I almost rubbed it on my wrist – my wrist gets sore when I’m riding sometimes and I think this stuff would help it feel better.

        Outside temperature on both rides was 40 to 50 degrees. I want to test the Hoo Ha Ride Glide when it’s hot outside so I’m sweating because I’m tend to have more problems with chaffing and discomfort when it’s hot outside. So far, though, I like Hoo Ha and will use it again.

        I’ll keep you posted!

  23. […] few years ago, I opined on places NOT to put Icy Hot, after a small shmear applied to my upper thigh migrated to my nether region, an area rather […]

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