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Pamela Fagan Hutchins | The Best Laid Plans of Cardinals and Men

Rest in Peace my fine-feathered friend

I am a planner. I plan and schedule and plot, much to the delight of my engineer/triathlete husband, who loves to live by a plan. Even more, he loves me to make the plan and then us both to live by it. And what he loves most of all is when the plan I make and we live by includes a healthy dose of us bicycling and swimming together. However, I believe a plan is a structure within which one should expect reasonable changes, while Eric casts his in cement. Obviously I am right so there usually isn’t much of a problem.

So we planned to ride in the Fayetteville, Texas “Good Ole Summertime” 69-mile bicycle tour. We trained for it. We talked about it with joy and reverence: Fayetteville, and the greater-Fayetteville-area-including-Round Top, boasts some of our favorite roads for cycling, anywhere. Eric even accidentally strayed off schedule and went to get our packets a full week before they were available for pick-up (don’t ask).

The night before the race, I developed a PMS/hormonal migraine. My PMS symptoms – Permanent Menstrual Syndrome, per Eric, although increasingly it looked like the early onset of perimenopause – occur erratically. They don’t follow a plan. Uh oh.

Because it was the middle of the night, I took one of my gentler migraine prescriptions, hoping that this pill plus sleep would be all I needed. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to the mother of all migraines. I caved-in for the elephant tranquilizer medication. Unfortunately, I was so nauseous, I then couldn’t eat. My husband, a man of immense patience and even greater kindness, suggested we stay home.

But we had made a plan and I knew it was important to him, so I got in the car anyway under the theory that I had no idea now how I would feel in 2.5-hours when it was time to mount a bicycle. Although I kinda did know and just didn’t want to admit it.

I should have listened to my husband.

On the way to the race, driving in the dark, the unthinkable happened. I had my head on Eric’s shoulder, sweetly snoring and drooling under the influence of the elephant pill, when he let out a tiny swear word. Actually, I believe it started with an F, and was preceded by the word “mother,” and that his voice blasted through my cranium and echoed madly inside my impaired brain.

“What happened?” I screamed, heart hammering, hand clutching throat, eyes sweeping the road for signs of the apocalypse.

“I hit a cardinal.”


OK, if you don’t know my husband, this might not seem like a very big deal, I’ll admit. But since the time he could speak, my husband has proclaimed himself a fan of the Chicago Phoenix St. Louis Arizona Cardinals football team. His screen saver at work? A giant Cardinal logo , until very recently when he finally switched it to a picture of us, under teensy tinsy little applications of subtle pressure from me. He had watched their playoff game in 2009 through a webcam picture of our TV in Houston on his laptop in his hotel room in Libya, at 2:00 a.m. He collects cardinals and Cardinal-paraphernalia and insists on displaying them prominently in our bedroom (don’t go there).

Despite his obsession, though, he had never seen an actual live cardinal BIRD until we moved to Houston. Eric grew up in the U.S. Virgin Islands where he only caught glimpses of cardinals on TV. He pictured them as red, fierce…and large.

One day while unpacking in our new house in Houston, I saw a male cardinal through the window. Nonchalantly, I called out to my cardinal-obsessed sweetie, “Hey, Eric, there’s a cardinal in our bird feeder.”

Eric, whose physique looks like you would expect it to after 20 years of triathlon and cycling, pounded into the living room like a rhino instead of his usual cheetah self, wearing an expectant grin and not much else.


Lost for words, I pointed out our front window, and prayed the elderly woman next door was not on the sidewalk outside our house. Or at least that she was using her walker.

“It’s awfully small.” (That was Eric that said that, not the elderly neighbor woman.) He looked so crestfallen. Yes, the mighty cardinal is a tiny slip of a bird.

Back to ear-splitting expletives and wife-under-the-influence. “Honey, I didn’t feel an impact. Are you sure you didn’t miss it?” I asked.

“They’re awfully small birds,” he said.

Ahhhh, good point. We drove on, somberly. We arrived at the race. I stumbled off to the bathroom. When I came back, Eric was crouched in front of the grill of our car. I joined him, at first confused as to what he was doing. He held up a handful of tiny red feathers.

I swear it was the drugs, but I burst out laughing. “You, you of all people, you killed a CARDINAL?”

He glared at me as he picked the brightest of the small feathers and tucked it reverently into the chest strap of his heart monitor. “I’m going to carry this feather with me in tribute, the whole way.”

So we got on our bikes: me, wobbly, cotton-mouthed, and somewhat delirious; Eric, solemn and determined. This, the ride for the cardinal, would be the ride of his life. Sixty-nine miles to the glory of the cardinal.

I made it all of about two miles before I apologized. “I’m anaerobic, and we’re only going 12 mph on a flat. My neck and back are seizing up. I don’t know if it’s drugs or horomones, but I’m really whack.”

“You can do it honey. We came all this way. Now we’re riding for a higher purpose.”

I gave it my best, I really did, but, a few miles later, after a succession of hills where going up with a racing heart beat was only slightly less awful than cruising down with a seriously messed-up sense of balance, I pulled to a stop. “I’ve never quit before, but I can’t do it today, love.”

A beautiful male cardinal swooped across the road in front of us. Eric bit his lip. “I understand. Do you want to flag a SAG [support and aid] wagon?”

“I can make it back if we just take it easy. I’m sorry, honey.”

My husband treated me like a princess that day, but all the excitement had drained out of him. This race we had planned for was not to be. And a teacup-sized bird had sacrificed his life for our non-event. The waste of it all, the waste of a day, the waste of a life: it was hard to overcome. But Eric tried; I’ll give him credit for that, the man really tried.

That night I felt better. We did a make-up ride on the trainer while watching We Are Marshall (interrupted occasionally by Eric’s sobs, because the only thing worse than a dead cardinal is a dead football player). Afterwards, I pulled our sheets out of the drier and brought them into our room. Eric, clad in his new Fayetteville Good Old Summertime t-shirt, helped me put the warm cotton on the bed.

As we hoisted the sheets in the air to spread them out over the mattress, a tiny red feather shot straight up toward the light and wafted down slowly, back and forth, back and forth, until, pushed by the soft breeze of our ceiling fan, it landed on the pillow on Eric’s side of the bed.



Above: Actual cardinal feather on Eric’s pillow.

Steeling myself for the worst, I shot a glance at him to see if he had noticed. I did not exhale. Maybe I had time to brush it off quickly? Too late — he was staring at the feather. “Is that damn bird going to haunt me for the rest of my life, now?” he asked. But he smiled.

Now I could breathe. And tease. “Probably. You did senselessly murder a cardinal, Eric.”

And he laughed.  And we began to talk about our plans for the Tour de Pepper ride the next weekend, a ride where, I hoped, we would not cause the death of any of God’s tiny creatures.  Or at least nothing but an armadillo.



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64 Responses to The Best Laid Plans of Cardinals and Men

  1. Penny says:

    You make me laugh out loud!

    • Pamela says:

      Embarrassing to admit, but I laughed out loud as I wrote it. It is 95% or so true, too. It’s that little 5% that makes all the difference. Thanks, Penny. As you can see, no one is safe from the writer-mom-wife at our house….

  2. Kim says:

    Amazing, even when I am down, you write something that in an instant has me giggling and not thinking of own pity party any longer! Love it!PS…we have the most brilliant red cardinal making stops at our feeder..if i see it again I will try to snap a picture for Eric. :o)

    • Pamela says:

      distraction, even for a second, i am glad to have given it to you. hang in there kimij, and take that cardinal picture! we have had a male and female essentially move into our back yard, which eric takes as a sign of forgiveness from the cardinal gods, but they are not brilliant like country cardinals (like the one he smushed!)

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Christina Uticone, PamelaFaganHutchins. PamelaFaganHutchins said: New #blog at Road to Joy: Best Laid Plans of Cardinals and Men … on #mascots and #migranes :) […]

  4. G Man says:

    Pamelot, You just kept me smiling from beginning to end. What a master story teller you are! (Too bad the Cardinals no longer play in Chicago.) All I can say to Eric is: It’s not the size of the bird that matters, but what it can do.

  5. Dan says:

    Very Funny Pamela, and like Eric says, at his expense….so I’ll hop on the band wagon and give him a Cardinal Joke of the day. Go Niners!

    Two boys were playing football in a San Francisco area park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

    “Niners Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” she starts writing in her notebook.

    “But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

    “Rams Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” the reporter starts again.

    “I’m not a Rams fan either,” the boy says. “I’m a Cardinals fan.”

    The reporter writes on a new sheet in her notebook: “Redneck Bastard Kills Family Pet.”

  6. […] re-reading this I see that I am in danger of putting my own self to sleep, yikes.  I’ll be back to my irreverent self by Wednesday;  we all need something snarky after the seriousness of last week’s Confessions […]

  7. […] do you do for love?  What do you do for yourself?  In the end, what’s the difference, I say!  Take music and athletics with Eric and me, for […]

  8. […] “It’s a risk I would be willing to take.” […]

  9. Gordon Taylor says:

    just read this aloud to Kim……both of us laughing to the point of crying…..

  10. […] Bicycling Brazos — this is HALF the snake Kid eye-level at Blockbuster checkout — is my mind in the gutter or this highly inappropriate Bicycling Brazos part two — Why did the crawfish cross the road? Our redneck pond: Eric sees an opportunity for manual labor, I see a snake haven No amount of Butt Butter could make this seat better. Tell me again why we stopped at an antique store mid-ride, Pamela? An accidental version of "speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil" from 3 bored teenagers at an airport (ours) Corpse-eating flower aka Lois meets the Snowcone. Check out @corpzflowrlois on FB & Twitter. Hilarious diva alter-ego of the famous bloomshy funky flower! […]

  11. […] my Bubba-mon pulled downhill on our narrow, winding drive onto Shangri-La, he swung wide to avoid planting the Quacker into a tree. This is how we discovered the large tree stump under the skinny bush that he had assumed the […]

  12. […] I talked him out of it; the competition is fierce, y’all.  But I think this night was a life-changing event for him.  Here’s a picture of the diesel truck division.  Bubba-mon liked the monster tractors […]

  13. […] That’s what you call irony, folks. […]

  14. […] I’m questioning the death of a little red bird at this point… Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Extreme Cold Kills 6 Million […]

  15. […] Or maybe it’s just because we excel at creating these types of situations. […]

  16. […] run due to a headache, having postponed last night’s bike due to an ugly mood swing (hey, it doesn’t happen as often as some people would like to claim — I hadn’t been feeling good), and I knew I also faced a mid-day swim as well. I was […]

  17. rtcrita says:

    Awww…..that’s tragic and sweet at the same time. I love cardinals, too, and I probably would have cried. But how touching that your man just tucked that little birdie feather under his heart thingy and made it his goal to turn this race into a cycle-for-a-dead-cardinal-a-thon. Too bad you couldn’t finish, but I’m sure you gave it a gallant effort.

    Migraines bite, don’t they? I use to get them quite often. I would eat ice cream right away at the beginning to ward them off. The coldness would go straight to my head (but I never got brain freezes like other people) and ease the pounding in my brain. After the birth of my son, my last child, I basically quit having them. I’ve probably had maybe 2 or three in the last 16 years as opposed to having them on a regular basis — sometimes for two days in a row — to where I had to go to the ER and get knocked out on Demerol just to sleep.

    And, hey, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT next time on that movie thing, lady! I haven’t seen that movie still and do want to watch it. I’ll just put it a few more movies down on my list of “movies I still need to see” so maybe I will forget about the “event” you spoke of but I tried to read past real fast after that.

    …and I’ll say a prayer for the cardinals family. :)

    • Pamela says:

      Oh man I wish my migraines would just stop. Argh. Glad yours did. Bane of my existence.
      Sorry about the spoiler…forget I mentioned dead football players…whatever you do, don’t think about dead football players…

      Sometimes we’ll see a female in our backyard, and I’ll say “Eric, she’s come for you, and she’s got a gun!” or we’ll see a male alone and I’m like “the ghost of cardinals passed…” But seriously, it was SAD. They are such loyal mates, and the thought of her alone, looking for him, (b/c he was stuck in our GRILL) makes my heart hurt. Although I have the ability to simultaneously hurt and laugh. Which is sick. But trust me, I’m so sad about her. Probably because I relate — Eric and I are like two cardinals :)

      Ciago, rtcrita…

  18. Eric Hutchins says:

    there really is something special about the relationship of cardinals, I think it is romantic, and transcends what people expect a bird to be capable of “thinking”. Anyway, I did feel terrible about it, AND it is a really funny story. Pamela just has a way of putting a little extra twist on things that makes it even better.
    Thanks for your nice comments.

  19. Valine says:

    Brilliant. Absolutely hilarous, well written, endearing. You’ve a natural gift for writing Pamela.

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks! I have good raw material — my husband and son especially make it their life mission to provide the hilarious and the endearing for me to capture. :) Glad you visited the blog — I’m headed out to see yours now…


  20. […] guess the take-away for me after 15 years of being Clark’s mom is “love them hard and trust yourself.”  They may even sort the rest of it out […]

  21. Eileen Schuh says:

    You tickled my funnybone and my fancy, too! Great story. Great writing.

  22. […] Eric:  My long-suffering island-boy turned Texas redneck wannabe triathlete […]

  23. […] I would chose to be a cardinal, and they mate for life. And you would be a promiscuous dolphin, while I would be a lonely old bachelor cardinal.”  […]

  24. […] I would chose to be a cardinal, and they mate for life. And you would be a promiscuous dolphin, while I would be a lonely old bachelor cardinal.”  […]

  25. […] home base of Austin, TX (recently relo’ed from Canada) and blogs/tweets as well.  My husband Eric and I are meeting our twitter friend Darryl for the first time IRL this Saturday! Darryl […]

  26. […] belongs, in no particular order, to his wife and five kids/step-kids, bicycle, a bass guitar, the Arizona Cardinals, and a crusty old surfboard.  He hails from St. Croix in the Virgin Islands.  Oh yeah, and […]

  27. […] I pulled over and gave up.  I walked my bicycle home, sobbing.  Now, I know I am prone to issues and ugly mood swings, but that’s wasn’t it.  The problem?  My head, back, and neck […]

  28. ridgely says:

    You had me at the drool 😉
    You have no idea the excitement the tales of your antics jump start my days- please offer my condolences to E

  29. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PamelaFaganHutchins, PamelaFaganHutchins. PamelaFaganHutchins said: The Best Laid Plans of Cardinals and Men […]

  30. Irene says:

    I’ll never quite look at a male cardinal the same way again. Nice job Pam. Now when I see one, I’ll have this compulsion to want to protect it from god knows what. We do get an occasional Sparrow Hawk. He took a snow bird out the other day.

    I know nothing about dogs psyche. I’m still trying to figure out cats and I’ve had them all my life. And I was slated to be a veterinarian. Go figure.

    • Pamela says:

      Wow, I never pictured you as someone that was almost a vet. I thought about being a vet too but ultimately my allergy to cat hair and aversion to poo of all kinds halted that little dream.

  31. Sandy says:

    I have a bad back and take pain meds regularly so the snoring & drooling I can totally relate too. I give you credit for even trying to ride. I know I would have just stayed in bed. But, then again, I never in my life would commit to a 69 mile bike ride…unless, of course, I was in a pain med induced haze.

  32. While I laughed through this whole story, I did manage to feel sorry for you and your headache (and subsequent drug high). After all, I’m not totally insensitive ya know. I’ll never look at another cardinal the same way again. I’m a Denver Broncos fan. It’s probably a really good thing that Eric isn’t a Broncos fan, instead. That would have really made a big mess on the road. And, instead of the feather on his pillow, it would look more like “Godfather” all over again (horse head, get it?). I could go on and on and on, but I’m sure you don’t want that.

  33. Ally says:

    While there is nothing funny about a PMS migraine, the story was quite humorous. Poor Eric – haunted by that little red bird… 😉

  34. SuzRocks says:

    Oh gosh, I loved this. Poor poor cardinal. I can’t believe you were even able to start the race. If I had a migraine, I never would’ve left the bed.

  35. […] She picked a health nut engineer; sounds like a recipe for success to me! And from the fifteen minutes I spent talking to him, I can tell you two truths: 1) Her trust is […]

  36. […] We even lured Eric’s youngest daughter and her boyfriend into coming with us.  We ran and biked; they fished and swam.  We saw five black wild boars with a bevy of white piglets.  We cooked out […]

  37. Eric Hutchins says:

    Still makes me Laugh, and I am LOVING THE BIKE!

  38. One of my favorite posts!

  39. LBDDiaries says:

    Still crazy after all these…. months. You do have a way of drawing (sucking) us into the story and it is as if we were standing right there, refereeing – um – enjoying the whole thing right along with you guys!!! I, too, gasped in horror at the feather… oh OK, maybe not – but it is still a great post!

  40. Irene says:

    I had a cardinal fly into my sliding glass doors a couple weeks ago. Poor thing just sat there on the deck totally shocked in the gentle snow that was falling. My inclination was to go out and move the poor thing under the table to keep it dry. But that would have scared the crap out of it even more, so I left it there in the snow fall. It flew away after a hour or so. I have MANY cardinals in my area.

    Migraines just suck. Had one the other night. How you even got in the car was an accomplishment!

  41. Eric Hutchins says:

    We see so many now when we are out riding. I love that there seems to be a lot of them out near our property in Burton. I think they are such beautiful Birds. And I love that they are so close to their mates.

  42. Omg, Pamela,
    I have NEVER heard of anything like that in my entire life.
    My heart skipped a beat. A tear came to my eye.
    A Cardinal?
    A gorgeous god-like-blood-red Cardinal?
    This is like killing a freaking Mockingbird!
    Your posts are superb…and hilareous
    but MY, oh, MY…. A Cardinal???????????? out of all birds!!!!!!
    This is the best post of the week for me.
    xxxx K.

  43. […] The perennial favorite, Eric and his cardinals.  May God bless their little (dead) souls. […]

  44. […] have so much: a one-eyed dog, a pink bike, a Quacker in Nowheresville, and a certain Mother of the Year title for my parenting of my […]

  45. […] Cowboy and Petey by name. If you browse through my top ten posts of all time, you’ll find cardinals, frozen elk, amorous frogs, and one-eyed Boston Terriers. I’ve worked on five books for May […]

  46. I was worried there for a moment – thought you were a UofL fan – which would have been tragic. Being from Louisville – I LOVE the bird, not the team – it’s my VERY favorite bird!!!!

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