I am a lifestyle follower of the “no whites” diet, but it’s not a racist and neither am I. White people are OK with me, just not white foods. Big difference. Get it straight, people!
Also, I have heard whispering behind my back that I should practice what I preach or not throw stones in a glass house or some other cliche-ridden B.S., and I have just one thing to say about THAT, y’all, as a writer and a human-being:
I totally know! I am the human embodiment of the word “binge.” But, I swear, I repent and shall stray no more.
So, what I do, and have done for years — years at a time, even — is eat “no white foods.” It’s kinda like the Pamelot version of Atkins/South Beach, although I’ve never read anything about South Beach and am only going by what other people tell me. Note: Pamelot is not a doctor. My way is not the way for all. It just works for me. And for some reason lots of y’all asked me to share the deets. So here goes:
The Chunky (“Ass the size of Delaware”) Phase — 2 weeks:
No sugar, no flour, no rice, no potatoes, no pasta, no fruit. I also avoid “simple carb” veggies (the sweetest tasting ones) like corn, carrots, and sweet peas. Don’t cheat! If you do, you’ll gain, not lose. Low fat cheese and avocado is a yes on this diet, as are nuts — good fats are fine, bad fats are always bad fats. The leaner the meat, the better, but all meat (and eggs) will work on this diet. I avoid lentils and beans in this phase — they’re good carbs but yet too carby for breaking the hold bad carbs have on me. The first four days, have Excedrin handy because you will have bitchin’ headaches along with your carb cravings as you go into the withdrawal phase of breaking your value-less carb addiction. But, after four days, you will not be hungry. Oh, bonus: you’re eating gluten-free. And eliminating yucky yeast in your digestive system, which can farg your health up in about a million ways (read more about yeast and you at Hotze Health & Wellness Center; these are the geniuses/saints who saved me with bioidentical hormones).
I’m finishing this phase, now.
General success tips, below.
If you do this right, ladies will lose 8-12 pounds and men 10-15 pounds. And you’re losing fat, not water.
The Less Chunky (“I can open my eyes halfway when I’m naked”) Phase — 2 weeks or however long it takes:
No sugar, no flour, no rice, no potatoes, no pasta. I add back in all fruits and veggies except bananas, which are the most easily converted fruit to sugar. The best fruits on this type of diet? Those with SEEDS: strawberries, kiwis, raspberries, blackberries. I also throw in beans and lentils in this phase. They’re a good carb! You’re still low yeast and gluten-free in this phase.
The “Damn, I think I look pretty good” Lifestyle Phase — forever:
No sugar, no flour but add back in brown rice, steel cut oatmeal, SWEET potatoes, quinoa, even some whole wheat pasta occasionally. Eat this way forever. It’s Good.For.You. Also, if you are careful, you can stay gluten-free in this stage, too. Watch for processed foods, i.e., pasta and pick the gluten-free alternatives or just don’t eat them at all. In this phase, your yeast count has gone up, but it’s at a minimal, probably acceptable level.
General advice for not swelling up like a hippopotamus:
- If you must use artificial sweeteners, minimize it. They are ARTIFICIAL. My OPINION is that sucralose is the best readily available artificial sweetener, although I like xylitol even better. Aspartame kills lab rats and gives me horrid headaches. The last thing I want is dead rats on my conscience when I have a migraine.
- Can’t live without breading on your meat? If you must fry and fry with breading, try substituting ground nuts or almond flour for regular flour. I like ground sesame seeds, too, although cleaning the food processor keeps me from doing it very often, I admit. Oh! Bob’s Red Mill has great almond flour and quinoa flour. I use the quinoa flour for pancakes and for cupcakes. You could even go crazy and fry in coconut oil rather than (second best) canola or sunflower oil. And the old guy (Bob) that owns Bob’s Red Mill gave his company to his employees, which is so cool I can’t stand it.
- Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Water, tea, or sucralose sweetened drinks. Watch out for carbonation. By the way, I highly recommend and obsessively love (strawberry) Powerade Zero.
- Cutting sugar means cutting it in everything — check your cough drops and cold meds. Big time sugar. I switched to caplets instead of my beloved hot Thera-flu, for instance. And there are also naturally sweetened cough drops if you want to stay away from artificially sweetened ones.
- Energy drinks come low carb or no sugar, too. Monster is readily available although I like Sobe No Fear’s no sugar energy drink best. Five Hour Energy is zero carb, too.
- Watch for hidden sugars and learn to read labels for total carb count. Red pasta sauce in the grocery store has a lot of sugar as does ketchup and peanut butter. Look for low carb alternatives, make your own, or do without. Salad dressings also contain a lot of carb filler, and low fat usually means high carb. Dressings that are normally safe are caesar, vinegar & oil, and some ranch dressings. Again, make your own to be sure. I buy low sugar versions whenever I have the choice, of everything. I even look for vanilla extract that has no sugar.
- Shop the outside aisles, away from the processed foods. You are returning to eating like a hunter/gatherer…or, the way people used to eat before our society turned to white sugar and processed foods and got F-A-T.
- If your breath gets icky in the initial phases, be careful of sugar/carb in mouthwashes, gum, or mints. Again, read the labels and shop for alternatives. Xylitol flavored gums, washes, and even toothpaste are available online.
- Stay off alcohol in the first 2 weeks, then when you add it back, go with the drinks with the least sugar or you’ll really mess yourself up, ie., red wine, low carb beer. I don’t drink at all, but that choice wasn’t about weight. However, the less alcohol you drink, the better you will do on your weight, as alcohol is a simple sugar based liquid.
- If you quit losing or start regaining, pull out the simple carbs/the foods easily converted to sugar.
- I adore some of the low carb products available like low carb wraps/tortillas, and some of the items in the picture, below.
- As with any attempt to jump start your metabolism, eat 5-6 times a day but in smaller amounts
- Are you an athlete? You may feel funny at first, but, over time, you body adjusts. And, of course, you never take out carbs altogether, just value-less carbs. The more you exercise, the quicker you lose and thus get to the point where you add back in more high nutritional value carbs. I am a crappy, middle-aged endurance athlete (triathlon, running, and cycling), and I can keep it really low carb and still perform.
- Supplements rock, no matter what diet you are on. My favorite multi? Synergy. It’s not only a comprehensive power pack with fantastic ingredients in a powdered capsule (think “easily metabolized”) form, it is LOW CARB.
- Looking for electrolytes without the corn syrup? www.nuun.com. They also sell an effervescent, flavored multi-vitamin to add to your own water in your own rewashable water bottle.
- I swear by no-sugar EmergenC, every day. I add it to the flavored multi from nuun (above) and a tablespoon of unsweetened fiber every morning. Oh, and fiber is a good thing. It neutralizes carbs. And, if you are not getting a lot of roughage…well, you should probably add in the fiber or factor an extra hour of bathroom time each day.
Sample Chunky Phase Eating Plan:
Breakfast: 2 eggs or a atkins ready made protein shake
Snack: A world of yummy options, and to me, frequent snacks that taste good are the key to sticking with the diet, so I eat macadamia nuts (8 = 1 serving), Kroger’s low carb yogurt, Breyer’s low carb ice cream bar, raw green veggies, Atkin’s caramel nut chew bar, cashews, low fat mozzarella sticks, a tablespoon of low sugar peanut butter. Note to those of you with very little brain power –> choose only ONE for each snack time.
Lunch: low carb wraps w/avocado, cheese, lettuce, turkey, mayo & mustard, raw veggies
Snack: (probably twice in the afternoon in the first 4 days; see snack, above)
Dinner: slab of meat (which gets smaller every day, but is large when I’m starving in the beginning) and cooked green veggie
So that’s it! My non-racist diet. I hope some of what works for me helps you.
OK, y’all, so how do you guys keep your luscious figures? Tips in the comments, please.
Think thin but HEALTHY,
p.s. Nan of Little Black Dress Diaries is a bad influence. She told me that red velvet cake is red, brownies are brown, and all matter of other subversive things. Sugar = white, Nan. Sugar.Equals.White.
p.p.s. Another friend whose name I can’t mention because he’s afraid Google will catch it and link him to my blog (gasp), has been taunting me with white bread. Soft, tasty white bread. I almost used his name JUST AS PAYBACK.
p.p.p.s. My super-fit, super-cute husband is a supplement expert and former owner of 3 GNC and 2 Triathlon stores. I’m hoping he’ll chime in more about supplements in the comments. It helps when you guys ask him specific questions or compliment his dancing skills.