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Warning Will Robinson: this post and especially the comments that follow are examples of purposefully bad writing by punch drunk, exhausted writers. Will you find them amusing or annoying? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t hold a gun to your head ordering you to read. So, proceed at your own risk and volition. Some readers are begging us to continue, and others hate it. Either reaction is fine with me. It’s a free country, after all. 😉 Go read a serious post if that is more to your taste, like Wasted Days and Wasted Nights, The End is the Beginning, or Confessions of a Guilt Stricken Mom. The Road to Joy, like the world, is multi-dimensional. It’s all good.
Have I mentioned it is Nanowrimo month? A lot of my writer-y friends are doing it, I’m doing it, and the pace is fast and furious. Around Nano time, there’s a lot of eating, stalling, procrastinating, and yep, whining from us writers.
So I offered the following motivational speech to my friend and Nano Buddy Heidi Dorey, and it worked so well, both as a procrastination technique for me, and a time waster for her, that we thought we’d share. Note: this is satire and intentionally really really awful writing.
She sent me an email something like this:
I sucked today. Shoot me if I don’t write more tomorrow. Can you send me something motivational?
I responded something like this:
If you don’t get off your ass and have a great day tomorrow, a pack of gremlins will visit you in the night and cut off all your hair into unsightly ragged pieces with fuzzy scraggles, bald patches, and one giant long section hanging off your right temple like a misplaced soul patch. Your husband will wake up, and he will scream so loud when he sees you that he will go into a drooling catatonic shock, and you move him into a nursing home that very day because the drooling shit gets old fast.
But then a giant white bunny rabbit with red evil eyes that looks surprisingly like a fluffy rabbit you had written about, but then, sigh, quit on after three chapters, appears on your front door step. He tells you that if you will get off your ass and finish Nanowrimo, you can have two but only two out of the following three things: your husband will come home, your hair will grow back, you’ll win the lottery of $1 million.
Excited about winning the lottery and having really great hair, you pick them. Your husband calls, pissed off because he’s not drooling anymore and can’t figure out why you put him in a nursing home in the first place and you speak to him in Japanese and pretend like he dialed the wrong number. You stroke your long beautiful hair and plan how you’ll spend your money while you type an email to the nursing home asking them to up his meds. You write 7,000 words a day, and your book becomes a best seller and the rabbit delivers the cash as promised, but then the rabbit turns into your husband, only hairier, and goes all mad ninja on you. When you explain that you did it for him to get the money to buy him a bass boat, he relents and you live happily ever after.
And you NEVER flake out on Nanowrimo again.
So, how’d I do on my motivational message? Want to give it a try in the comments? Motivate Heidi and the rest of us Nanos to pump out the words. We would greatly appreciate the help.
p.s. What is truly amazing is how many words a day I waste on blog posts and emails like this, when I am ostensibly rewriting one novel and participating in Nanowrimo to write another. Speed-typing class in high school paid off!
p.p.s. Upon re-read I’ve decided my motivational speech actually reads like a super-awesome query letter.